The Rise of Arbitrary-Versaries: Celebrating Unconventional Relationship Milestones

Key Points

• Research suggests arbitrary-versaries are celebrations of unique, personal moments that strengthen couple bonds. (1)
• It seems likely that celebrating these quirky milestones reduces pressure compared to traditional anniversaries. (2)
• Evidence leans toward arbitrary-versaries fostering emotional intimacy and creativity in relationships. (3)
• The trend, while popular, lacks extensive scientific study, and some view traditional milestones as arbitrary. (4)

Introduction

In modern relationships, couples are increasingly moving away from traditional anniversaries to celebrate unique, personal moments known as "arbitrary-versaries." These celebrations focus on quirky, meaningful events—like the first time you cooked together or the day you binge-watched a favorite show—rather than conventional milestones like wedding dates. This trend reflects a desire for authenticity and personalization in relationships, allowing couples to honor their unique journey. This article, written by Kate Harding, a psychologist and contributor to this platform, explores the rise of arbitrary-versaries, their origins, benefits, and practical ways to incorporate them to strengthen your bond. For broader context, see our post on Trait Theory – Myers-Briggs 16 Personalities. (5)

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Understanding Arbitrary-Versaries

Arbitrary-versaries are hyper-specific, often playful celebrations of moments that hold special significance for a couple. Unlike traditional anniversaries tied to dates like engagements or weddings, these milestones can be anything from the first time you left the bathroom door open to the day you resolved your first argument. They capture the raw, authentic moments that make a relationship unique. The term was coined by polyamory expert Laura Boyle in a 2021 blog post, describing them as “a fun excuse to mark the passage of time with someone you love” (6).

Unlike traditional anniversaries, which often carry pressure to plan extravagant events, arbitrary-versaries are typically low-key and spontaneous. They reflect the unique narrative of a relationship, celebrating the small, authentic moments that make it special. For example, Popsugar editor Emma Glassman-Hughes and her partner chose to celebrate their “co-soup day,” marking the night they made tomato, kale, and white bean soup together, a moment that broke an intimacy barrier (7).

Examples from Real Couples

The trend has gained visibility through social media and community platforms, showcasing a variety of creative arbitrary-versaries:

• First Yardwork Milestone: TikTok user @mmakalea celebrated her husband’s first time doing yardwork as a “marriage milestone,” highlighting the significance of everyday tasks (8).
• First Honest Moment: Another couple on TikTok marked the day they felt comfortable enough to tell each other their breath needed freshening, symbolizing trust and openness (9).
• Reddit Community Insights: In the r/polyamory subreddit, user @nothanx_nospanx crowd-sourced “silly and sweet relationship firsts,” including the first scheduling conflict, the first time a pet accepted a partner, and the “toothbrush migration” (10).

These examples illustrate how arbitrary-versaries can range from humorous to deeply meaningful, capturing the essence of a couple’s unique journey.

Why Arbitrary-Versaries Are Gaining Popularity

The rise of arbitrary-versaries reflects broader shifts in how modern couples approach relationships, driven by several key factors:

Shift in Relationship Norms

Traditional milestones like engagement, marriage, or buying a house are often seen as markers of relationship success. However, many couples today are choosing to define their relationships on their own terms, free from societal timelines. Arbitrary-versaries allow couples to celebrate moments that are meaningful to them, regardless of external expectations. This shift aligns with a growing emphasis on individuality and authenticity in relationships (2).

Desire for Personalization

In an era where personalization is valued across industries—from customized products to tailored experiences—relationships are no exception. Arbitrary-versaries offer a way to personalize celebrations, making them more relevant to the couple’s shared experiences. For instance, celebrating the day you both discovered a shared love for a niche hobby can feel more significant than a generic anniversary (3).

Reducing Pressure of Traditional Milestones

Traditional anniversaries can carry significant pressure to plan something perfect or extravagant. Iman Hariri-Kia described her first anniversary as a “total bust” due to high expectations and unforeseen mishaps (2). Arbitrary-versaries, by contrast, are often spontaneous and low-pressure, focusing on the joy of the moment rather than perfection.

Embracing Imperfection

Modern relationships increasingly value authenticity over idealized perfection. Arbitrary-versaries celebrate the messy, real moments that make a relationship unique, such as the first time you navigated a scheduling conflict or shared a vulnerable moment. This focus on imperfection fosters a deeper, more genuine connection (11).

Social Media Influence

Platforms like TikTok and X have amplified the trend, with couples sharing their arbitrary-versaries online. These posts not only normalize the practice but also inspire others to celebrate their own unique moments. The viral nature of social media has helped spread the concept, making it a cultural phenomenon among younger generations (1).

Psychological Benefits

Dr. Annie Hsueh, a licensed clinical psychologist, notes that milestones, even arbitrary ones, give couples a sense of control and direction in their relationships (2). Celebrating these moments can increase relationship satisfaction and reduce feelings of monotony, particularly for the 1 in 4 couples stuck in a “relationship rut” for over 10 months, according to a Talker Research survey for Lovense (12).

Benefits of Celebrating Arbitrary-Versaries

Celebrating arbitrary-versaries offers several advantages that can enhance a relationship’s strength and vibrancy. Below is a table summarizing key benefits:

These benefits align with research suggesting that authentic communication and shared values are key predictors of long-term relationship satisfaction, far outweighing the importance of traditional milestones (11).

How to Incorporate Arbitrary-Versaries into Your Relationship

Incorporating arbitrary-versaries into your relationship is simple and can be tailored to your unique dynamic. Here are practical steps to get started:

1. Identify Your Moments

Reflect on the moments that define your relationship. These could be humorous, like the first time you laughed uncontrollably together, or meaningful, like the day you supported each other through a tough moment. Consider moments like:

• The first time you cooked a meal together, like Emma Glassman-Hughes’ “co-soup day” (7).
• The day you binge-watched a show, skipping other plans for quality time.
• The first time you felt comfortable being vulnerable, like leaving the bathroom door open.
• The moment you resolved a significant disagreement, strengthening your bond.

2. Choose a Date

Pick a date to celebrate, which doesn’t need to be the exact anniversary. Flexibility is key—choose a day that works for both of you, whether it’s monthly, quarterly, or annually. For example, you might decide to celebrate your “first road trip” every summer (13).

3. Plan a Celebration

Keep celebrations simple and meaningful. Ideas include:

• Recreate the Moment: Cook the same meal you made during your “co-soup day” or rewatch the show you binged (7).
• Themed Activities: Plan a themed date, like a movie night for your “first Netflix marathon” anniversary.
• Small Gestures: Write a heartfelt note or create a photo collage of the moment.
• Adventurous Outings: Take a day trip to celebrate a shared adventure (13).

4. Share with Others

If comfortable, share your arbitrary-versaries on platforms like TikTok or X to inspire others. Ensure both partners agree on sharing personal moments. For example, TikTok users have shared milestones like the “first time doing yardwork” to connect with others (8).

5. Reflect and Appreciate

Use these celebrations to reflect on your relationship’s growth. Discuss what the moment means to you and how it has shaped your bond. This reflection can deepen your connection and reinforce shared values (5).

6. Be Flexible

There are no strict rules for arbitrary-versaries. If a celebration doesn’t feel right or you want to change how you mark it, adapt as needed. The goal is to enjoy the process and celebrate your unique love story.

Contrasting with Traditional Milestones

Traditional milestones, such as the first date, engagement, or marriage, are often seen as universal markers of relationship progress. However, they can carry significant pressure, as noted by Iman Hariri-Kia, who described her first anniversary as stressful due to high expectations (2). Arbitrary-versaries, by contrast, focus on personal significance over societal norms, offering a more relaxed and authentic way to celebrate.

For example, Marriage.com lists 15 traditional milestones, including the first kiss, meeting parents, and getting engaged, which are often celebrated with formal events (14). Arbitrary-versaries, however, might include less conventional moments, like the first time you shared a secret or navigated a scheduling conflict, as seen in Reddit discussions (10).

Comparison Table: Traditional vs. Arbitrary-Versaries

This comparison highlights how arbitrary-versaries offer a fresh, personalized alternative to traditional celebrations, aligning with modern couples’ desire for authenticity (11).

Psychological and Social Perspectives

From a psychological perspective, celebrating arbitrary-versaries can enhance relationship satisfaction by focusing on shared experiences and positive memories. Dr. Annie Hsueh notes that milestones provide a sense of control and direction, which can be particularly valuable for couples in a rut (2). A survey by Talker Research for Lovense found that 1 in 4 couples experience a relationship rut for over 10 months, suggesting that arbitrary-versaries could be a simple way to revive connection (12).

Socially, the trend is amplified by platforms like TikTok, where users share creative celebrations, and Reddit, where communities crowdsource ideas for “silly and sweet” milestones. This social validation encourages couples to embrace their unique moments, reducing the stigma of non-traditional celebrations (8).

Connection to Relationship Theories

Arbitrary-versaries align with psychological theories like the Investment Model of Commitment, which suggests that shared experiences and positive memories increase relationship commitment (5). By celebrating unique moments, couples reinforce their investment in the relationship, fostering long-term satisfaction. Additionally, the trend supports the concept of “positive reminiscence,” where reflecting on happy memories boosts emotional well-being and strengthens bonds .

Challenges and Considerations

While arbitrary-versaries are generally positive, there are some considerations:

• Overemphasis on Celebration: Focusing too much on marking every moment could lead to pressure, similar to traditional milestones (4).
• Partner Disagreement: Couples may differ on which moments are worth celebrating, requiring open communication to align (11).
• Lack of Scientific Backing: The trend lacks extensive research, and some argue that all milestones, including arbitrary ones, are less important than daily connection (4).

Despite these challenges, the flexibility and personal nature of arbitrary-versaries make them a low-risk way to enhance relationships, provided couples communicate openly (5).

Arbitrary-Versaries in Cultural Contexts

Cultural factors influence how couples approach arbitrary-versaries, as discussed in our post on Personality Theory – How Culture Affects Our Personality. In individualistic cultures, such as the United States, the trend aligns with a focus on personal expression, with couples celebrating moments that reflect their unique identity. In collectivist cultures, such as parts of Asia, arbitrary-versaries may emphasize shared community moments, like a group outing with friends that strengthened the relationship .

Couples in diverse cultural settings can adapt arbitrary-versaries to their values, ensuring celebrations resonate with their background. For example, a couple in a collectivist culture might celebrate the first time they hosted a family gathering, reinforcing community ties (14).

Strategies for Long-Term Success

To make arbitrary-versaries a sustainable part of your relationship, consider these strategies:

• Maintain Balance: Avoid over-celebrating by focusing on a few meaningful moments each year (11).
• Communicate Openly: Discuss which moments matter to both partners, ensuring mutual agreement (5).
• Keep It Simple: Opt for low-effort celebrations, like a cozy night in, to maintain joy without stress (7).
• Reflect Regularly: Use celebrations to discuss your relationship’s growth, reinforcing commitment .

By integrating these strategies, couples can ensure arbitrary-versaries remain a fun, meaningful part of their relationship without becoming overwhelming.

Arbitrary-Versaries and Emotional Resilience

Celebrating arbitrary-versaries can enhance emotional resilience by fostering positive emotions and shared memories. According to positive psychology, reminiscing about happy moments can reduce stress and increase relationship satisfaction . For couples facing challenges, these celebrations provide an opportunity to focus on strengths and rebuild connection.

Engaging in playful activities, like recreating a shared moment, can also serve as a stress outlet, aligning with the low-pressure nature of arbitrary-versaries. Couples can further boost resilience by journaling about their celebrations, capturing lessons learned and emotions felt (5).

Arbitrary-Versaries in Non-Traditional Relationships

Arbitrary-versaries are particularly popular in non-traditional relationships, such as polyamorous or long-distance partnerships, where conventional milestones may be less relevant. For example, polyamorous couples might celebrate the first time they successfully navigated a scheduling conflict, as noted in Reddit discussions (10). Long-distance couples might mark the first virtual date night that felt truly connected.

These celebrations allow non-traditional couples to create their own milestones, reinforcing their unique bond despite societal norms. The flexibility of arbitrary-versaries makes them adaptable to diverse relationship structures (6).

Conclusion

Arbitrary-versaries represent a refreshing shift in how couples celebrate their relationships, focusing on the unique, personal moments that define their bond. By moving away from the pressure of traditional milestones, couples can embrace authenticity, reduce stress, and deepen their connection through playful, meaningful celebrations. Whether it’s the day you cooked a memorable meal or the moment you shared a vulnerable truth, these quirky milestones remind us that love is built on the small, everyday moments that make a relationship truly special. For more insights on strengthening relationships, explore our posts on Trait Theory – Myers-Briggs 16 Personalities and Personality Theory – Trait Theory (5).

Arbitrary-versaries offer a creative, low-pressure way to celebrate love, encouraging couples to cherish their unique journey and build lasting memories together.

References

1. NY Post - Why Couples Are Celebrating Wild Arbitrary-Versaries
2. Elite Daily - Relationship Milestones Are Arbitrary
3. Yahoo - Couples Celebrating Bizarre Arbitrary-Versaries
4. The Utah Statesman - Opinion: Relationship Milestones Are Arbitrary
5. Simply Psychology - Relationships Overview
6. Ready for Polyamory - Anniversaries in Relationships
7. Popsugar -Why the Dating-App Generation Should Embrace the "Arbitrary-versary
8. TikTok - First Yardwork Milestone
9. TikTok - First Honest Moment Milestone
10. Reddit - Funny Relationship Firsts
11. Clever Dude - 7 Relationship Milestones That Mean Nothing
12. NY Post - 1 in 4 Americans say their relationships have lost the spark
13. Adventure Book - Relationship Milestones Worth Remembering
14. Marriage.com - 15 Relationship Milestones Worth Celebrating